One

Sometimes I know lots about somethings and sometimes I know nothing about anything and that's when I know most of all. Somebody cool wrote something like that in a poem once. Ok, so it was me. The poem was called (duh), "Sometimes". This story is about me, Des Perrat, but sometimes it might seem like it's not.

You'll see what I mean.

I could tell you all about myself but that'd be boring because things should happen at the beginning of stories. Once stuff is happening the minute pieces of boredem get sneakily inserted so that they are masked in the overall entertainment. Kind of like Harry Potter and the nine and three quarters train platform. Now that wasn't too bad an analogy, but really I just wanted to mention Harry Potter, because any site about Harry Potter gets lots of hits and I want bored people with nothing better to do than play PS or whack off to porn, to read this instead.

See, now right there is characterisation. The Harry Potter stuff shows you I'm sneaky and smart and the porn bit tells you I'm kind of twisted. Well it would be if it were true. I just put it there to shock you. I hope anyone wanting to whack off isn't googling for Harry Potter. (So now you know I'm a liar too).

So I've talked down to you enough for now with all the explanations of how I'm manipulating you while you read this. So here's some story. (Whoops - sorry.)

I finish sticking my head down stranger's toilets one day and I come home to find a note stuffed in my letterbox. It reads something like this:

D,

I guess you still live here? I don't know what you do anymore. It's Xmas soon. I don't know what you want. E-mail me a list and I'll buy you something.

All I want is a normal son.

D

I stack my bucket of equipment and the mop away wondering how long it will take him to accept that he is banned from the typed word and that I won't be e-mailing him anything. I've auto deleted his mails for three years to preserve the feathered strands of my sanity. But he persists.

Since he refuses to use the telephone we only talk if we bump into each other or at compulsory gatherings, like Christmas. An attempted visit is a big event in our relationship, but then if he listened to anything I told him he would have known I work every morning. But then he likes to pretend I don't have a job, cause cleaning toilets isn't good enough for him.

Chapter Two