Fifty Eight

After dragging my bucket of cleaning products through Paula's back door I found a note next to the money she had left on the kitchen bench.

"Des, thanks for all your hard work. We're moving next week and won't be needing your services any more."

I slammed the note down. "No way!" With Paula gone I was down to just one client - Mr and Mrs Cop. "Damn it." Now I'd have to ring the agency and see why they weren't sending me any new clients.

I got to work, taking out my anger on bathroom scum but I only did an ok job overall. I didn't want a complaint, but I wasn't going to waste time on details when there was no future upside. I would have stuck her toothbrush in the dunny but she'd always been nice to me. And she and her roomy were cute. I settled for licking their cheese.

Sure you wouldn't have done that but I'd read her mail. I knew about the new investment property she couldn't really afford - and that she'd only just got tennants for it. And that her Mastercard was maxed. No way was she moving. She was just trying to let me down easy. Well no one let's Des Perrat down easy and gets away with it.

And no one stalks me either. Especially not with pig trotters.

I was in such a filthy mood that I hadn't thought about much except me - and how unfair everything that happened to me was - until I found myself leaning over Gary's shop counter. It was only when he bristled at my half hearted "Hey" that I thought about our last contact and how I mightant be his favourite person in the world at the moment.

"Next time you feel guilty, don't call me."

I shrugged. "Sorry about that. Did you miss much business?" One thing that irritated Gary was missing a deal. Sending him to Mike's only for him to find the place empty would not have gone down well. And maybe he was still miffed about me stealing Nina out of his shop too.

"I missed enough."

There were a few customers, mostly kids wagging school, haunting the shadows of the gloomy shelves and displays.

"It was kind of an emergency."

"Mike says you've been porking Lisa." It was half an accusation, half disbelief.

I shrugged. I figured I couldn't win if I denied it or not.

Gary shook his head. "That's real low. I thought we were mates."

I shrugged again. What could I say?

He unrolled a poster, a fully frontal naked Britney Spears and... er... friends. Gary pulled out a three-step ladder and pinned Britney and co to the wall. She drew immediate attention from the male customers.

Despite his mood, he couldn't help explaining his genius. "They don't notice the scratches when they're staring at that."

I nodded. It seemed bizarre that I had managed to disappoint Gary, the epitome of moral values. "Look, Gary, I know its bad-"

"Bad? You've broken the code of mateship."

"Yep." This wasn't going to get me anywhere. Maybe I needed to give Gary some time and space and think of some other way to outsmart my stalker.

"Yep? That's all you can say. It's about honesty, candor." He unrolled another poster. This one starred Katie Holmes, also completely naked ... in exactly the same pose...

"Aren't they the same... friends?"

He looked at the two posters (like he hadn't already stared at them for hours). "Yeah."

"Someone's just cut and paste their heads into the same photo."

Gary finally grinned. "Good eh?"

"Just great." Like putting Cadbury wrappers on homebrand chocolate.

Gary swayed over then and fixed me with an accusational finger and a baleful stare. "Next time you do the dirty deed, you better tell me - or your mateship is rescinded."

I blew a long releasing breath. "Sheez. I thought you'd gone all moral on me."

Gary held up his hand. "I'm not saying that it's ok or that I condone it. I'm just saying, you should have told me. Now spill. I need details." He curled his fingers like I was going to give him a wad of cash.

"I'm not giving you details."

Gary shrugged. "Ok." He walked away and pinned Katie to the right of the cash register. "So how's your girlfriend?"

"Huh?"

"She comes here all the time."

"What?"

"Nina?"

"Why does she come in here?"

Gary smiled, huffing on his finger nails. "Why wouldn't she?"

My fingers grasped the glass counter with unnatural tenacity. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I guess it must get tricky, with Lisa I mean."

A kid, maybe fifteen judging by the pimple farm around his chin stopped a foot away from the counter and jerked his head at the Britney poster. "How much?"

Gary turned around like he was gazing at the Mona Lisa and shook his head. "Sorry mate. It's my last one. A classic. It's not for sale." He turned back to me. "And it means what it means."

"You sure?" asked the kid, fumbling his surf wallet.

Gary stepped back to pimples and made another show of admiring the fine artistry on his wall. "You a fan of hers?"

"A-ha," mumbled pimples while staring at the fake jugs that weren't even Britney's.

I shook my head. It was a shame for Gary to waste his swindling talents on such mundane tasks. I had a real challenge for him.

"How about I let you have it for twenty five dollars, if you agree not to tell anyone where you got it."

"Why can't I tell anyone?" asked the kid.

I wondered too.

"Because I don't want all your mates showing up here asking for the Britney classic when I don't have any to sell. I'm busy ya know."

"Oh. I'll give you twenty dollars."

Gary reeled back - apparently aghast. "I'm trying to do you a favour here and you want to bargain with me?"

The kid blushed. "I've only got twenty dollars."

Gary lost his offence and unpinned Britney.

"You know it's a fake, don't you?" I asked pimples.

"Huh?"

"The poster." I pointed at Katie. "Look at that one. It's the same, just a different head."

He bit his lip, then shrugged. I guessed he figured it was still a naked woman, and her friends, and it was less embarrassing than trying to buy a magazine.

Gary rolled up the poster and slapped a rubber band around it. He shot me a glare. "There you go, twenty dollars," he said shoving it at the kid.

"And it's not a classic. He's got a whole box of them down there. " I pointed to the open carton.

Pimple's jaw dropped and he stared up at Gary in disbelief.

Gary shrugged and flashed him a naughty school boy grin. "Five bucks?"

The kid nodded and smiled.

What did he care. He was still getting boobs.

Only Gary had that unknown something that made people forgive him just about anything.

Pimples grabbed his tasteful art and hot legged it out of the shop.

"What the hell was that? asked Gary. "He was primed. He was gonna run home and tell his friends all about his secret deal and they were all gonna come in one by one and make their own secret deals."

It was my turn to smile. "You're gonna tell me everything I want to know about Nina and then you're gonna help me with a problem."

Gary leant against the now vacant wall. "Yeah right."

"Or I'm going to stay right here. All day."

Gary grinned. "That wasn't bad."

I nodded. "I liked it."

Fifty Nine